Hurt

To someone who needs it:

When I see you like this,
I hurt so deep down inside.
It only gets worse,
when I consider that,
there is nothing I can do.

I can only hang out on the fringe,
witnessing your pain,
handcuffed to the reality
that is life.

This world is cruel,
and so are her inhabitants,
Gods creatures,
believers and hypocrits
all wrapped up in one being.

It's Blog-aversary VI

February 2, 2005

Entry #1 - The start of the end?

(This is just a portion of my first entry)

So here I am, a 42 year old, white male and tomorrow I am having a biopsy to determine if the problems I am experiencing are ultimately diagnosed as Prostate Cancer. Grim thought indeed.

…. I am fighting to remain positive. I pray a lot more than I ever have.

I worry most about my wife and young son and how they would go on?.... But I worry about them both emotionally and psychologically. I can't imagine going on without her or him, it saddens me deeply. I pray a lot more than I ever have......

February 2, 2011

Entry #589 – It’s Blog-aversary VI

Now I find myself here, an outlier, way down the right side of the bell curve. Wondering, worrying, still trying to find fresh perspectives to share with you.

I try to keep the focus on what I am feeling and thinking versus what I am doing. For example; when I share that I had/have treatment I think readers appreciate it more when I share that it worries me, that I am hurting and what I’m thinking about. Anyone can post the mechanics of living with this or any disease, but I have always tried to reach deeper, beyond the scans, tests and needles. I really try to provide something unique that other survivors can use. Maybe they learn something and gain just a little insight in order to deal with what may lie ahead for them.

As I mentioned to a fellow PCa survivor earlier today, “It’s a badge that most of us would relinquish if we had the option. We don’t have that choice so some of us share it hoping to provide just a little light in an otherwise dark cancerous world.”

For Pops

Tomorrow afternoon my Dad goes in to surgery to have about a foot of his colon removed. This is the same man who had prostate cancer fifteen or so years ago.

He's saying all the right things. He's very positive about the entire procedure and his doctor, but I know at 78, he's still got to be scared. I know that I am.

Cancer literally surrounds me right now. From all the friends I have met on-line, to my dad, the mothers and fathers of friends, to my own situation. At times it seems out of control. It just seems that some days

the bad news overwhelms the good.

I pray for my Dad and wish him a successful surgery and a speedy and full recovery.

It's been far worse

Today's milestone is a tough one.

Five years ago today I officially found out I had Prostate Cancer.

Here's a link to that blog entry:

February 11, 2005

I vividly remember sitting in a conference room at work taking the call from my doctor.

Wow, the emotions come roaring back.

I took this call and walked out of the office and cried the whole way home.

The weekend turned out to be the bottom emotionally. Mary and I cried, a lot!

The thing is, we recovered very quickly and by Monday evening when I came home from work, she grabbed me and told me that although we may not beat the monster, we weren't giving up, and most of all, we weren't going to spend any time feeling sorry for ourselves.

For the last five years we have continued down this path, finding the positive and not letting the negative get us down. We have not and will not dwell on the statistics. I'm in a different place now; a much, much different person.

D, Quinientos, Fünfhundert. Cinq Cents, 五百

I have arrived at the first of a number of upcoming milestones.

This one is the 500th blog entry here at "The Big C"

With this monumental opportunity, what should I write about?

I have decided that today it once again is not about me,

it will be about my PCa brethren. So here's to you guys,

in no particular order:

Dad, Doug, Dan and John

Dan J in New York

Eric S in Colorado

Merle in ?

Mark H in Texas

Greg J in Texas

Walt W In Alabama

Tony C in Nevada

Jan and Dom in Florida

Brian W in Utah

Kim and Brian in New Zealand

Terry in Australia

Jay S in Kansas

Bob in Missouri

Finally, on a somber note, those that this disease has taken from our world:

Wes

Rick

Aubrey

Ric M

For those who continue to battle this disease and for those who we have lost, I dedicate this prayer:

Prayer to Saint Peregrine ~ Patron Saint to cancer patients

O great St. Peregrine,
you have been called "The Mighty,"
"The Wonder-Worker,"
because of the numerous miracles
which you have obtained from God
for those who have had recourse to you.

For so many years
you bore in your own flesh
this cancerous disease
that destroys the very fiber of our being,
and who had recourse
to the source of all grace
when the power of man could do no more.

You were favored with the vision of Jesus
coming down from His Cross
to heal your affliction.

Ask of God and Our Lady,
the cure of the sick whom we entrust to you.
(Pause here and silently recall the names of the sick for whom you are praying)

Aided in this way by your powerful intercession,
we shall sing to God,
now and for all eternity,
a song of gratitude
for His great goodness and mercy.
Amen.

Happy Blog-Aversary!!

Five years ago on February 2, 2005 I started this little blog that I titled, "The Big C". The first entry is below.

So many things have changed in my life. I am clearly not the same person that I was when I wrote these words five years ago. I still remember as I sat at my desk, writing these words, tears were streaming down my cheeks. My thoughts were scattered. At the same time, I was clearly focused on what is the most important part of my life, my family.

They have changed as well. Brad is older and quite the young man. I am so proud of him. Mary and I were always close, but I can't believe how much closer we have grown through this experience. It's amazing how wonderful life can be in the middle of the chaotic irony that we live.

And so yesterday, there Mary and I sat like we do every 28 days, waiting for my Oncologist to share my test results. We had considerable discussion about the pains I have been having in my right leg and hip. The discussion went no where. Is it cancer related? Is it early signs of arthritis? We speculated as best we could. We decided to give it another 4 weeks and see if the pain changes, remains the same or goes away. Just to be clear, it's very intermittent and three Advil always takes care of it for a day or more. Because it involves my right hip, which is where the pain began prior to my diagnosis, it is a concern for me each time I experience the pain. If the pain returns, the doctor will request xrays, which will help us to determine the source of the pain - arthritis vs cancer, or perhaps a combination of the two.

A harder decision that I have made after discussing it with Mary and the doctor is to stop playing disc golf for a few weeks. I'm crushed, but it 's the best thing to do. I really need to give my leg a rest and disc golf more than anything puts a lot of stress on my right leg, hip and knee. So I will temporarily retire and be the full time score keeper. I will still enjoy the camaraderie and get exercise by walking the course. At the same time I'll be taking a lot more pictures while we are out on the course. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully this will be short lived and I'll be back at it in a few weeks.

So back to today; my PSA was down eight points! Most people would not be too excited to be told their PSA is at 103. For us, it was music to our ears.

Happy Blog-Aversary indeed!!

Peace be with you all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The start of the end?

I thought about starting this with links to resources about prostate cancer, but had second thoughts. Interested parties can easily find those on their own, just start at http://www.webmd.com/ or http://www.prostatecancerfoundation.org/ and go forth.

So here I am, a 42 year old, white male and tomorrow I am having a biopsy to determine if the problems I am experiencing are ultimately diagnosed as Prostate Cancer. Grim thought indeed.

Worse case, unsuccessful treatment, or surgery and death. Best case, it's simply prostatitis (sp?) and the wonderful world of medications will cure all. I'm remaining somewhat hopeful but because of family history and the number of symptoms I have, I am fighting to remain positive. I pray a lot more than I ever have.

I worry most about my wife and young son and how they would go on? Braggadocio aside, I am her life. We are very close and literally are each others world. She lost her mom at 8, the same age he is now. Financially she will be fine because of insurance and other investments we have made over the years. But I worry about them both emotionally and psychologically. I can't imagine going on without her or him, it saddens me deeply. I pray a lot more than I ever have......

Posted by David E at 3:23 PM 2/2/05

My mind was elsewhere

Today we played a casual round of disc golf, Pete, Steve, Joe, Steve and myself. We all played rather terribly but the weather was ideal and the camaraderie top notch as we relived this past weeks events.

My thoughts were elsewhere as I could not help let my mind wander to the upcoming week. My friend Dan has his monthly follow up, please send a few prayers his way, Another friend John has a birthday tomorrow, Happy Birthday John!! Melissa turned the big 30 today, congratulations youngster!
Most importantly tomorrow is our 18th wedding anniversary and that weighed heavily on my mind.

I had already acquired a card and gifts for my lovely bride but I could not help wonder 'how many more?" I pray for 20 and I hope for 25. Somewhat sobering to read, my apologies, but that's where I was at and where my mind shifts to from time to time. I don't dwell on it too long either as I continue to try to focus on what's right and what's good with my current condition. I am not sure there are many 46 year old men that could play 153 holes of disc golf in seven days, much less do it with advanced Prostate cancer. Seriously, I even cam home and mowed the grass!

I'm sharing this not in the hope of receiving accolades but because that is what this blog is all about, this is how I'm dealing with it, leading and living a "normal" life to the best of my ability. I hope and pray that there are others who find it and read it and are inspired to fight on!

Dan, my thoughts and prayers are with you tomorrow. John and Melissa, peace be with you both. Mary, well I'll have much more to say about this tomorrow!

And now for today's dose of emotional stew

I'm sure many of you have seen this:
Susan Boyle

If this didn't make you laugh, cry, cheer, I'm not sure what would.
As I watched this it made me thinkabout how sad it is that we are such a judgemental society. Yours truly included.

I know this has nothing to do with Prostate Cancer however, I wish this woman the best and hope she goes on to become a big, big star!!

Pins and Pins

It's been five weeks since I added Avodart to my daily pill regime. Yesterday I had my first blood test since the change in treatment, to measure my PSA, testosterone, DHT, cholesterol etc. and so now we wait for the phone call - on pins and pins, and perhaps a few needles.


Here's a picture of the infamous John W. and myself after having lunch on the River Walk last week. It was a short visit but it was a pleasure to finally meet him in person (and Cheryl)!!!


The golf tournament results are getting close. I hope to post the final number next week. I will only divulge this, it looks better than we planned, but the Board must review everything before it is official!!

Not much else for now, Fall has arrived, the trees are changing....time for a Saturday walk in the woods perhaps?

No regrets....

I have spent the past three days in San Antonio at a conference for work. While it was very educational, I also had the opportunity to spend time with a few people that have become important to me since I began my battle with prostate cancer.

On Tuesday, I had lunch with John W. John's blog is linked on the left. He lives in Austin and has CLL. Over the past few years we have become good friends and for him to drive down from Austin just to have lunch was an incredible act of kindness. I'll post the picture here after he sends it over.

Tuesday night, I had dinner with Mark H. Mark and I met at the conference I attended in Los Angeles last month. We had some really great sushi and exchanged a number of stories, thoughts and perspectives on prostate cancer. Like John W he traveled about 70 miles to join me, I really appreciate it Mark!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the golf tournament I had created a CD based of the music that I have mentioned within this blog - but I forgot to play it.

In case you are interested, here's the song list:

I'll be- Edwin McCain

Amarillo Sky - Jason Aldean

Broadway - Goo Goo Dolls

Beautiful Day - U2

Santa Monica - 3 Doors Down

Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan

One Thing - FINGER ELEVEN
Songs We Sing - Matt Costa

Can't Get There From Here - REM

Photograph - Nickelback
Boston and Island Boy - Kenny Chesney

Kind of Blue - Miles Davis

Blue Rondo à la Turk - Dave Brubeck

Back on Top - Van Morrison

The Calling - Wherever you will go