January 11, 2008

....because I must

I'm tired, side effects of this cold I have been fighting for a week or more.
I am also tired because of 'this'.

Something that is rarely discussed by me, here, or on the prostate cancer message boards is
the mental and emotional strain of dealing with PCa. It's constant. I can't express the word CONSTANT enough.

I, we, have done a good job of living our lives in spite of the anvil that constantly hangs above our world. Now however, with a large decision looming, the anvil, and the strain of keeping it levitated increase at exponential rates.

I always have to add this so my words are not misinterpreted, I am not depressed. What I am pointing out here is simply this, you and I are different. You who live 'normal' lives, lives without cancer, get through your day differently than I do. Your conscious thoughts, those things that you think about in between the important aspects of your life, those thoughts are far different for me, than you. In those down moments you are like I was when I led a normal life. You think and wonder about what to do tonight or this weekend? Maybe you spend time thinking about simple things, regardless my thoughts at these times are ALWAYS about PCa. What does the rise in my PSA mean? What will it be on the 28th? Then what? And after deciding 'then what', will it work? etc. and so on.....it's really a #*^@ed-up way to get through the day.

But I go on, because I must.....for her, for him.....and sometimes....for me.


Anonymous said...

For us too! All of us with this stupid disease that hover around your site are behind your every step. God Bless you!


Anonymous said...

David - You're right. Absolutely right. About all of it. It sucks and it's wrong. I guess when it seems you have no reason...you see that you have very reason.
Thank God for Mary & Brad.


Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine what you are going through mentally day in and day out. I pray God gives you many moments of peace each day where your mind does not stray so much back to PC.

It is difficult for an outsider to fully grasp the mental aspect of what you are going through. I can only offer that many people are praying for you and I hope during mentally stressful periods you can reflect on all the peole whose lives you touched and focus on all the prayers being said on your behalf.

God bless you and yours.

Aimee said...

My dad has advanced PC, mets to bone, diagnosed last January. I know the cloud under which you live. As an adult daughter, and not the actual cancer sufferer, I am off to the side a bit, but close enough to get rained on. It is hard. Each day is hard. It is a different life as you said. You are to be commended for living your "different" life with a positive outlook and in service to the PC community. Your words have made many days easier for my family.

On another note, my dad began chemo this fall after failing Lupron and a PSA with quick doubling. It has fallen from 23 to 11 after three cycles. His only ill effect has been tiredness on days 4-7. So, if that is your route, I wish you the same "easy" time with it.

garywlafreniere said...

The good news David is that you know your maker! Have comfort in that your pain will someday be gone! Christ will renew your body!

Other good news, you have changed my life for the better! Never having a good role model growing up is alot like missing a pot of gold....i dont miss the pot of gold becuase i never had it...until i met you....You are a great role model for me, an older brother that (although unaware) is guiding me through life.

If it at attacks me (cancer that is) I will be ready because of you. I will have you to thank! I will see events of my life that would have otherwise been swept away by an early departure to meet my Heavenly Father.

Thank you David. I hope you know that you are loved by many.