Test result day, plus 14 hours

"Are you awake?"

I roll over, look at the clock, it's 12:50am

 

Unable to sleep, she went downstairs and looked through the usual Prostate cancer internet sites. Looking for answer, knowing it wasn't there. The options we have may be there, the answer is not.

 

Even though I had been sleeping, we spent some time and discussed what we do next? In the end, what we do next is still in doubt. Chemo, or chemo as part of a clinical trial is the 'standard treatment protocol'. I'm not sure either of us is mentally ready for that at this time.  There might be a few other oral medical protocols we can try first. These again will only delay the inevitable, chemo. 

 

The decision will not be made in haste. There is no deadline, other than perhaps next month's meeting with the Oncologist. Though my number could fluctuate slightly again, the reality is we need to begin preparing for the 'what next?'.

 

And so this mornings drive in to work included this song by Matchbox 20. Like most songs I quote on this blog it is not about being sick etc. but as always, I reserve the right to apply personal interpretation!!! It means something far different to me, not  heartbreak, lost love etc. This is just part of the song. Just let the first line of the chorus and the last line sink in a little today.....

 

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Matchbox 20 - Disease
chorus:

I GOT A DISEASE
DEEP INSIDE ME
MAKES ME FEEL UNEASY
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, TELL ME
WHAT AM I S'POSED TO DO ABOUT IT
KEEP YOUR DISTANCE FROM IT
DON'T PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME
I GOT A DISEASE

I THINK THAT I'M SICK
BUT LEAVE ME BE
WHILE MY WORLD IS COMING DOWN ON ME
YOU TASE LIKE HONEY, HONEY
TELL ME CAN I BE YOUR HONEYBEE
BE STRONG
KEEP TELLING MYSELF
THAT IT WON'T TAKE LONG 'TIL
I'M FREE OF MY DISEASE
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