I have never told anyone besides Mary, but for the last eight years I have kept a journal for Brad. I write a brief entry each month about things going on in our family. The good, the bad and the ugly. It has grown to over thirty-three single spaced pages. I may amount to nothing, but I really think in the years ahead Brad will have a glimpse into who I was, what I thought. I share a lot here, obviously I share a lot more with him.
Here's an excerpt from this months entry I wrote earlier today.
Summer is almost over, again. It sure flies by. School will start on August 22nd and you will be in 5th Grade already. Wow how time is flying. Brad I love you and mom so much. I get sad at times when I think about the possibility of my demise? I am hopeful and pray daily that things will go on for a long time. However, as a realist I realize that they may not. I worry about you going through your teen years without a dad. I worry about her without me…..I start to cry.
Life, at times like these, really sucks. My advice to you is instead of dwelling in the negative, the sad, you have to focus on the good things in life. You need to think about what you do have, and what lies ahead of you. Don’t focus on what you lost or are without. God challenges us everyday. He challenges us to do the right thing, to make the right decision. Sometimes we don’t. But he is forgiving and I think he expects us to learn from those mistakes.
As you read this, you may be without me, I am not sure how and when I will ever share this with you? And so my message today is be strong. Take the time to think, morn, make tough decisions but be “mind strong”. What I mean is this; don’t feel sorry for yourself, don't have regrets don't be a worry wart. We could all spend a life time analyzing our lives, wondering 'what if I had done this or that differently" or what if this or that happens to me". Think about things, but make a decision and move on. There is always someone out there with a worse story. Yes, what happened to me (and subsequently you and mom) really, really is a travesty but look at the good that came from it, look at the positive impact we and the foundation had on those close to us and more importantly complete and total strangers.