March 10, 2010

Like Atlas

The news of late on one hand is weighing heavily on me, but on the other, we have been here before so I face the day with a smile and try to put the fear behind me. As we revisit this 'place' on our journey, I was recently reminded that Faith, Love and Hope are once again those attributes that we must lean on and call on to get through this period.

I try not to speak here as some sort of self-appointed expert on cancer. I just try to share what I know, what I feel about living with advanced, metastasized, hormone refractory Prostate Cancer. Right now it is the unknown that is most concerning. Fear is a particularly distracting emotion. It's there, right there below the surface, sometimes deeper than others. This will all be behind us once we make a decision. Next week I will either prepare to start a clinical trial or begin a new treatment. Time is of the essence.

If I start the new treatment we will know within a few weeks if it's working. However, what we will not know is how well and for how long. Another thing that concerns us (re: more fear) is if we pursue this treatment (DES), it will require radiation to my chest to avoid gynecomastia (think man boobs or 'moobs'). It's only a one time shot of radiation, but it's still radiation. We must focus on the fact that there have been a lot of good results with this treatment. That is encouraging.

If we decide to pursue a clinical trial, I'll have three more weeks when I have to remain off one aspect of my past treatment regime. This is sure to cause my PSA to go even higher. This thought is very concerning as well, again with the fear. The clinical trial is not looking too promising. We might even have a final answer later today. It is going to require some travel, but hopefully just three trips over a month's time.

It is my burden, but it's also hers and his. We will get through this together. So after a brief period of self pity and being somewhat consumed by the fear, I am moving on to more positive thoughts, feeling and attitudes. It's not the final round in this fight, more like the 10th and I just got knocked down, but not knocked out!


Karen said...

Think of that song that came out about 10 years ago ... "I get knocked down! But I get up again!"

David E said...

Chumbawumba, song was Tubthumpin'

Vickie Williams said...

David ... I'm so glad I "found" you again!! I had followed your story a couple of years ago, when I was helping take care of my father. He was diagnosed in '06 with late stage prostate cancer. I "lived" on the computer trying to find information about this nasty disease ... and in the process, found your blog. Sadly, I lost my father in Sept 2007 and stopped my computer research ... and stopped reading the many message boards, blogs etc, that I had been reading. Last year I had computer troubles and lost many of my links to these sites. I'm not sure what triggered my mind, but I remembered you and your journey, and went on a search to "find" you. At first I didn't even remember your name, but I remembered that you play disc golf ... before reading your blog, I had never heard of disc golf!! I did a search on "disc golf cancer tournament" and there you were!! I'm so happy to find you and get caught up with you and your family ... and I'm truly saddened by the last few journal entries. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! Best of luck with your decision on what to do now ... I know you and your family will make the best choice for you ... all of you!! Glad to have found you again ... I'm also sending in my order form for a few FLHW bracelets!! Will proudly wear mine ... and give the others to my husband and kids and grandson. God Bless ... Vickie Williams

Amy said...

Just remember you can only do what you can do and what you can do is enough. My husband just kept saying he was going to keep jumping from stepping stone to stepping stone trying to make it through -

Anonymous said...

And the unknown may offer far better! Thanks for sharing your journey with all the thrills and chills. Be well. Feel the Force (and insure Vit D3 is adequate).

Anonymous said...

David ,
I will say from experience the radiation is a non event. I pray for you to have the best possible outcome, whichever way You go , I am assuming the trial is Provenge.
Dan J

Katie said...

You and the family continue to be in our prayers. You are an amazing family and your strength is inspiring.

Rachel said...

Thoughts and prayers coming your way. Keep the faith, love and hope.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, my friend. Whatever you decide, you'll be in my prayers. See you on the fribbee trail. Hopefully we will have a chance to chat.


suzcummins said...

David and family,
Your strength and faith means so much to many of us who read your heartfelt blog.
You have the recipe to fight - your head held high, earbuds in and a frisbee in your hand! That's how we see you! Please keep keepin' on.

Your Florida Friends,
Don & Susan

Anonymous said...

Keep the faith. Remain strong. Our prayers and the prayers of so many are with you.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
as it was in the beginning, is now
and ever shall be, world without