When first diagnosed with cancer we try to come to grips with 'Now what'? "Now what" with my life, my treatments, my family, my career and so on. The trepidation of now what does not end with the initial diagnosis, it goes on and on. With every up and down, every good test result and every bad, your mind immediately returns to the constant questioning. Now what?
I know some of you may be saying that this is no different than life in general, it's just human nature to question the future, to wonder what lies ahead. While I have no argument to counter, I do believe that it is much different for those of us with cancer.
My journey, though a tad short of six years, is a constant journey of questioning. Every four weeks I visit my doctor to be retested. The results of these tests never lead to peace in my mind or in my heart. If the numbers are good, I question 'For how long?'. When the numbers are bad, like they were last Monday, I wonder 'Now what?'. The very limited number of options I have continues to be a challenge and weighs heavy on my mind. There are three or four things I can do next, but none of them really provide substantial relief for my heart or mind.
I am not writing this from a place of depression, I'm actually in a great place mentally. I'm just trying to make a point so that when you see me, or talk to me and I say 'Oh I'm doing fine', it's a little more complicated than that...actually it's much more complicated. I try my best to remain hopeful. I just wish for a little while that I could get a reprieve from the 'Now what"!