December 27, 2005

Did I miss something…..??

Christmas has come and gone and aside for being spoiled by my wife (once again) I must have missed it? I guess being a little bit distracted, caused me to miss it. Was I being selfish not to stop thinking about me for a few minutes? At times I question my constant selfish thought, but I'm convinced there is no right answer. Mass was not as emotional as I thought it would be.
The church was bursting at the seams and in retrospect, I think because of the number of children and my family being there, it was much easier than I anticipated.

For the first time in over six months we had a meal containing red meat. For the past six or so years our traditional Christmas dinner has been a beef tenderloin dish served with a of these incredible roasted red onions in a balsamic vinegar glaze. As with past years, it was incredible! I savored each and every bite. I must have consumed at least eight ounces! Want the recipe? Just let us know…..

What lies ahead tomorrow is perhaps one of the most frightening days we will experience since this ordeal began. Last week with Dr. Davis, our disappointing trip to Houston last April, the initial meetings with Dr. Davis after the biopsy and x-ray; these were all bad in their own right, but each offered choices and hope. I am not sure what to expect tomorrow - Chemo might be the last treatment option for now….perhaps? I pray that once the treatments begin it is a semi-painless experience. I wonder how I'll look without hair? What other side effect will I experience?

I started reading a book on cancer survivors this morning. It was published by the Lance Armstrong Foundation and a gift from my niece (a wonderful young women). As I reflect on the situations that Lance and the young women in first story experienced, I'll repeat something I have said here before; I would trade places with these people in a heartbeat. In their cases they began treatment immediately, versus our current ten month drama. No one wants to have cancer but once you do, treating it and attempting to be cured immediately are critical. There is no cure, my treatments just keep putting off the inevitable.

Why me? Why now? Why oh why God are you testing me in this way?


Anonymous said...


I know there are many questions. Most without immediate answers. Many questions will only be answered when we meet our Maker. In what I hope is possibly a glimmer of a response to your last comment/question "Why me? Why now? Why oh why God are you testing me in this way?" I can tell you that for me personally in reading your blog throughout your entire ordeal I have become a better person and I strive to become better every day. I also appreciate life more than I did before. I also know in reading the comments from your blog that you have had a great and positive impact on so many different people. Does this answer why? I don't think it is a complete answer at all but I do believe part of the answer lies in the impact you have made and the impact you continue to make in so many people's lives. God Bless you and God Bless the journey.

John Wagner said...

My prayers are for peace for you tomorrow for whatever is decided. I know it is difficult to wait for treatment, but sometimes that is actually best. As the person before posted, we can't always know why at the present time, but we can get glimpses of the answer. We just have to put our complete trust in God, as hard as that sometimes can be. As I have told you before, you have encouraged me in my own journey as I am sure you have many others. I don't believe God causes the difficulties we face, but he does allow them and he always has a purpose. I am looking forward to the day when I can get many questions answered, face-to-face with Him.

God bless you, your family, your doctors and all who have a part in your journey.