January 24, 2011

Dealing with the grind

A friend asked the other day if Mary and I talk about what’s going on a lot. I explained that at home we are very open with Brad and that her and I talk as appointments near and as decisions need to be made, but we don’t talk about ‘what if’ much anymore.

As you can probably imagine that topic usually leads to tears. I think the last time I had a real good cry about this might have been three or four years ago. I'm not afraid to have the discussion and as a matter of fact a good cry is very cleansing. We just choose to focus our energy on beating the disease and don't dwell on 'what if'.

It’s not that we live in denial.  We have just learned to live in the now and we always try to remain positive. Thinking about death, and the end, and what happens when we run out of options is just not in our repertoire. There are far too many options that still lie ahead of us. None of them offer a cure, but they each offer time. Add them all up and who really know how long this can go on?

I'd be leaving something out if I didn't say that it all weighs heavily on my mind. As I mentioned in my last entry, we have a new normal. I don't care for it much at times, but for the most part, life goes on in some 'normal' way.

This is a big week in this journey. It reminds me somewhat of the days and weeks that led up to chemotherapy back in 2008. I am a bit nervous, certainly anxious, and will be very happy when this week reaches a conclusion.

Extra prayers to Brian and Kim in New Zealand tonight. Brian is in a similar stage as me and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. His pain had reached a point that he couldn't drive himself.
This prayer is dedicated to Brian:

Prayer to Saint Peregrine ~ Patron Saint to cancer patients
O great St. Peregrine,
you have been called "The Mighty,"
"The Wonder-Worker,"
because of the numerous miracles
which you have obtained from God
for those who have had recourse to you.

For so many years
you bore in your own flesh
this cancerous disease
that destroys the very fiber of our being,
and who had recourse
to the source of all grace
when the power of man could do no more.

You were favored with the vision of Jesus
coming down from His Cross
to heal your affliction.

Ask of God and Our Lady,
the cure of the sick whom we entrust to you.
(Pause here and silently recall the names of the sick for whom you are praying)

Aided in this way by your powerful intercession,
we shall sing to God,
now and for all eternity,
a song of gratitude
for His great goodness and mercy.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Hello David, I wanted to thank you for sharing your blog and what you have been going thru the past 6 years. I have just started to read the most current and have decided to go back from your earlier post and start from the beginning of your story. I just passed my 2 year anniversary of finding out I had prostate cancer, I was 39. PSA was 6.5, gleason was 6, but later determined to be 7. I had my prostate removed thru open surgery in March 2009, and at that point it seemed cancer was contained. I had bone scans and CT scans at the time that showed no sign of spreading. My PSA's have all come back 0, but I have this nagging feeling in me all the time that it is back or will come back. I have been lucky not suffering from any incontinence issue, but not as lucky in other matters. I have a young family and maintain a positive attitude for them, but at times I get lost inside myself and feel like Im a road completely surrounded by fog. I know I cant turn back, but afraid to take the next step into the darkness. As you, I pray to God for the strength to take that next step and deal with whatever may be waiting for me. I have a very supportive wife and family, but at times still feel very alone in this. Your blog, truly helps me to know that I am not the only YOUNG guy going thru this. I have not experienced nearly as much much as you, and will keep you in my prayers. Wish you all the best in your journey. Joe

Dan said...

beautiful prayer, thank you!

Cosmetic surgeon Atlanta said...

Can not be in denial.have to know all about it and yet fight it.It is depressive and not all that as we say.But it is better to fight the disease being strong than weak at the threats of the same.